The deepest ache…

Coronavirus Survivor’s log- Day 19

Days have stretched into weeks and every morning I wake there builds in me a little more restlessness. To say I have cabin fever is an understatement. The odd thing is, it’s not that I have a desire to be around others, I am perfectly ok with my family as companions…but I would love to have a change of scenery. Being stuck here in my home with a ton of things I could do, but can’t because of my current medical condition is so limiting and frustrating and I am soooo getting annoyed by it. But this is life today…so you know…I’m gonna write I guess. 🙂

Today’s prompt ache….tell me what ails you….tell me about your gout or back ache or the headache that won’t go away…or get deeper and tell me about the heartache that sticks with you. Write for ten minutes….GO!

My heart’s deepest ache was my own fault really. So many people warned me that I was heading for disaster, and I ran head long at the wall anyway. The idea to start a dance studio wasn’t the crazy part…my life was definitely shaped by the dance opportunities that I was exposing my daughter to. But I was choosing a partner whose heart I didn’t know to pour my hopes and dreams into. My family and friends continually asked me if it was a good idea…if I knew her well enough to enter into life together in that way….especially when my family’s well being was at stake and compromised as it had been by the circumstances that had begun the year.

I entered in anyway…and at first, life was exciting and interesting and all we had were hopes and dreams to fulfill and chase after. It became everything…my husband and I poured all our money and all our time and all our resources into building something special.

I should have seen the warning signs when that wasn’t enough.

When my heart started to be called into question and hurtful words were flung about I should have waved the white flag. I should have stopped everything when someone I trusted was called a liar, when my mother who was working for free was called incompetent and most importantly when my husband who was footing the bill for this great experiment was called abusive.

The abuse was not coming from my husband. It was coming from the woman I chose as my business partner. Every day…all day…from sun up to near sun up I was being brainwashed into believing I was never enough, I was weak and needed her, and a million other terrible things. My heart was being ripped to shreds and every last bit of light was being squeezed from it…and as that light faded, so did I.

The deepest ache I have ever felt was in those months when I locked away the woman I knew deep inside and silenced the warrior within. She beat at the walls of my mind and screamed to be released, but instead I showed up as an anxious little girl who needed someone to speak for her…it was safest that way I thought. Still that ache plagues me some days when I think of the time I lost…when I have to fight back the guilt and shame that I let all of the darkness creep in…when I think of the friends who will never speak to me again because of the lies that were told about me…when I think of the days I lost to depression and anxiety and the months that I couldn’t leave my house because I couldn’t find myself…when I think of the day I tried to take my own life because it was the only escape I could find from the constant evisceration my heart was taking at the hands of this woman who was supposed to be my friend.

It is the deepest ache I know. I am healing…slowly. Two years now and still sometimes I get the phantom pains when I hear words she might have said to me or the days when I feel ashamed at what I did while in her grasp- words I said, people I hurt. Or the days when I look at the financial wreckage my rescue caused our family…or the days when I miss the community and art we created.

It still the deepest ache I know…but it aches less every day.