When Fear Rushes In…

Courage can’t see around corners, but goes around them anyway.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I haven’t been posting around these parts for a while. I am sorry for that. Life has rushed in…no wait, not so much life…fear has rushed in.

I have been experiencing quite a few medical issues lately. Neurological medical issues. The good news is I have a team of doctors…doctors who love Jesus and pray diligently over each patient…who believe that these issues actually stem from an old injury that is healing. This would be a wonderful God promised miracle.

But still there are moments…moments when a hand tremors uncontrollably and mind-numbing fatigue rushes in…moments when words are hard to remember and letters get hopelessly jumbled in my head…moments when fear sweeps in and doubt creeps up my spine and I wonder where God is in all of this.  I wonder  how to live a witness of faith and hope when what I am feeling is lost and alone.  I wonder if God is really Jehovah Rapha and Jehovah Jireh and all those other things that His word proclaims. And then I wonder if I am a heretic for wondering and a sweet mentor who loves Jesus reminds me that I am simply human.

And in the midst of all this fear rushing and doubt creeping, I cry out to Jesus, “Lord, help my unbelief!” 

Then I remember what a friend taught me a long time ago…

“When in doubt….WORSHIP.”

When doubt and fear overtake you, and questions and worries begin to rush over….worship.  Focus on the awesomeness, the wonder, the amazing love of God.

And so I turn up my radio and I sit in the floor of my kitchen and I sing loud enough to make a voice crack and I hug my knees to my chest and feel God’s presence fill the room.  Weight from shoulders lifts and heart begins to tentatively flap wings and by the end of the second song, I am soaring. Prayers fragrance the room and tears wash worry lines from my face and me and God…well we are on speaking terms again.

So next time fear takes over, or doubt yells loud its questions in your head, remember the antidote to fear is not always courage….is not always pull yourself up by your bootstraps and walk on….the truest antidote is WORSHIP

Flows Like Water

“Come away with me….to the wild.” Jesus invites me to lunch.

“Ok.” I sigh and follow where he leads. I have been smiling and preaching the need for home care up and down these streets all morning and my smile feels a little pasty and crooked now.

So I follow Him to a park with benches and slides and children playing.  Here, Lord?

“Yes, but deeper.” He says.

I glance to the side. There is a sawdust path marked “Natural Planting Area.”

“Here.” He says.

Internally my eyes roll as I look down at my crisp white dress pants and my black leather pumps….Grrrreeeaaattt.  So I take my lunch and my Bible and this journal and I start up the path.

The wood chips are soft like a moon jump under my feet and my heels sink in and bounce out with each step.  I come to a picnic table nestled in this Natural Planting Area…which really means this is where God is gardener and man steps back to simply enjoy his handiwork.

At first I am chilly (the trees provide lots of shade) and I have to pee and I’m not hungry yet so I guess you could say I was a bit resistant and then I sit and eat soup with Jesus and we talk about the lady arguing with her husband on the phone because she “doesn’t have time to do it all.”

I can’t see her through the trees, but her voice raises sharp with panic and I pray peace over her and Jesus says yes and we fill her up with the love of Jesus.  She packs up her tow-headed two year old and rushes away and I pray that soon she will remember that no one has time to do it all.

All we have time for is long-lingering hugs that smell like little boy and sand castles and lunches in the trees with Jesus and I pray that God will remind me when my voice raises like panic and I dream of drowning in laundry.  I pray that God will remind me that He has filled me with His peace and love and the really important things involve filling others from that well.

I pray to Jesus.  I desperately want to hold onto this peace. I want to hold onto this presence.

And He brings to mind the fountain on More Mountain. It is a sculpture of cupped, but open hands joined at the wrists and living water gurgles up through those hands and spills out over them and down over the fingers and fills the bowl beneath until it runs over.

He says to me, “From open hands my spirit flows freely.  Don’t hold on….open your hands.”

And I think of what my pastor said this morning to his group of young shepherds.  He said that the Spirit is like a fountain. A fountain can only take in more when it has given out of its abundance and the only way the fountain continues to flow freely is when it spills out all that it has taken in and in its place there can be more.

And then God reminds me, “Cari, what does your name mean?”

Cari- Turkish- Flows like water.

And I smile and tears sting my eyes because he knew me before I was born.  Because he created me for a purpose and he created a purpose for me and OH! What a beautiful journey discovering that purpose is.

¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.- Ephesians 2:10

Five Minute Friday- Goodbye

 

On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us?

Here are the rules:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link backhere and invite others to join in.

3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

Today’s prompt is:  Goodbye

Ready? GO!

Today I say, “Goodbye.”

I say goodbye to words spoken out loud, to external processing, to kiddo belly laughs in the living room and begging puppy barks for apples sticky wrapped in peanut butter.  I say goodbye to television and Facebook, and *gasp* my cell phone.  I say goodbye to the neverending noise that I steep my life in.

But only for a little while….I’ll be back soon.

This afternoon, at 3 pm sharp, I will enter into a time of silence with 14 other retreatants.  For three days we will give each other the gift of a community of silence.  Silent, but not alone.

I am excited and I am TERRIFIED.

After all the hustle and bustle of the last two months and the deep community with my church last week, I am already feeling the effects of withdrawal…the sudden margin in my life has left me reeling…a little sad….and jones-ing for another hit of constant togetherness.

But today I say “goodbye” to my earthly community to say “hello” to my God.

I have spent intentional time in silence and prayer before, but never this long.  There are great things moving and swirling around me, and I desperately seek the center of God’s Will.  Will you pray for me this weekend?

STOP!

The Great Fog

I’m supposed to be in the swimming pool this morning. Husband and children sacrifice so Mom can have a little bit of sanity time, but sometimes sanity comes in the form of a laptop, a white page for word-smithing and powerful worship music….

Sometimes worship is sung out through fingers rather than through voice…This morning may my words be worship. May they write out the story that God has written on my heart. May they bring praise to the Lord and maybe, just maybe, a little light to your life as well.

Several weeks ago, on my early morning drive to the pool, a fog rolled in.  Deep, heavy…obscuring everything around me. Headlights cleared a path just a couple of feet in front of me and cast an eerie glow around the vehicle.

As I peered into the glowing haze, a sense of overwhelming, almost paralyzing fear overcomes me.  I sat at a stop sign not 50 yards from my home contemplating turning back. Quiet comfort, sweet snuggly arms waited for me behind, the unknown lay before…and I battled the fear and I battled insecurity and God’s word came to cut through the fray—“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.”

Keep going, He whispered to me. I’ve got you.

Deep breath, murmured prayer and off I go, slicing my way through the hazy darkness.

The fog was so thick in spots, even though the subtleties of the road there are known to me, I know where each bump and pothole and slight curve is, I was disoriented by my lack of vision.  I gripped tight the wheel and prayed and continued on.

Sometimes, over a hill or around a bend, there would be moments of crystal clarity where the path before me was plainly visible and I would breathe in a sigh of relief and let down for just a moment, and then plunge back into the hazy darkness.

As I was cutting through the fog, what a perfect picture of our faith walk this experience was.  What an intense experience of all the emotions we journey through on our journey with God.  What a manifestation of the word picture “Your word is a lamp unto my feet.”

In this life, we are surrounded by dense fog more often than not.  We are all trying to slice through the haze and darkness and find our way to our final destination.  Some of us know well the path, some of us are just learning, some choose to march it in utter darkness and others choose to light the way with the word of God.  I am so thankful that ten years ago someone (several of them actually) took the time to help me find that lamp.

Even with light to brighten the way and push back the shadows enough to see our next step, there is fear and insecurity. When we can’t see the way, it’s so easy to want to stay where we are comfortable, where there is warmth and clarity.  But we are called to go….we are called to love….we are called to the great Story of the One who came for us.  He promises to make our paths straight. We just have to lean in and trust the He has us.

Keep going, He whispers to us. I’ve got you.

Thankfully, there will be moments when we will catch brief glimpses of all God has for us ahead and it’s a glorious…stunning…victory. I just hope the next glimpse I get, I will be less concerned about letting down and more focused on taking in the awe of His great plan for me.

This week, as you are peering through the haze, remember what His word says to us:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grace, Hope and Lots of Love….

I got it in the mail today…the third this month….a life preserver for my soul.

Not that life has been particularly rough,

Or rocky,

Or even that hard…but it has been, well…

Exhausting.

And just when spiritual weariness is about to overtake me, someone sends an envelope full of love….

Not cause someone died, or married or grew one more year….but because someone cares.

On the front of the super cute little organizer Dayspring sent me when I volunteered to receive beautiful cards and send them out as encouragement to others is the scripture from Genesis 12:2, “I will bless you and you will be a blessing.” Oh how those words ring true as I write this.

I was going to write about how wonderful it felt to share these cards with others. (And it did.) I was going to write about how awesome it was that Dayspring sent me these beautiful cards for free (and it was.)  I was all set to write the review about these beautiful images and the card stock quality and how well all the envelopes fit (and they do)…

But then last week, it came…this beautiful card encouraging us to “Play on.” A moment of acknowledgement of purpose in a time where I felt adrift.  Perfect timing.  And I was buoyed.

Then yesterday, my eight year old daughter got a card of encouragement (she got braces put on last week) in the mail…a silly little frog with braces on the front and on the inside written in the hand of her friend : “ Sticks and stones, break my bones (but not my teeth). FYI: you look cool with braces even though I can not see you!” My Lizzy teared up at the sight of it and smiled bright at the thought.

And today, when dinner wasn’t ready yet, and homework was being fought over, and the dog wouldn’t stay out of the trash can…in that moment, came the card that I’ve sent out three times this month…a message that I love….one I so needed to hear today. I was undone and pieced together in the reading of that card.

I received beautiful cards to share with my friends and family, and I have truly enjoyed sharing these cards, but in the process, I received so much more…God’s promise printed on the card organizer is so true: “I will bless you and you will be a blessing.”

You could be an encouragement to someone today….drop them a line…one written with ink or pencil or crayon…take a few minutes to find a stamp (or two…postage went up again this week) and throw a life preserver out…you never know who you might save from drowning.

Haunting Ache

“The ways we find to numb our aches, our longings, and our pain are not benign. They are malignant. They entangle themselves in our souls like a cancer and, once attached, become addictions that are both cruel and relentless. Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making. Each chain forged in the fire of  our own indulgent choice. Yet, “Our lovers have so intertwined themselves our identity that to give them up feels like personal death… We wonder if it is possible to live without them.” (the Sacred Romance.) Yes, we are, each of us, to greater and lesser degress still in bondage. But the good news is that “God has not  deserted us in our bondage.” (Ezra 9:9)

We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst for much more. All of our hearts ache. All of our hearts are at some level unsatisfied and longing. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God. What we need to see is that all our controlling and our hiding, all our indulging actually serves to separate us from our hearts. We lose touch with those longings that make us women. And the substitutes never, ever resolve the deeper issue of our souls.”– Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

To understand addiction of any kind, we must accept that all of us have vices….”other lovers” we turn to; to hide, to indulge, to control our lives; “other lovers” who are not God. This realization can helps us return to the heart of God….this ache, this longing is designed to drive us exactly there….to God–the only one who can fill the void.

Unwrapping His Promises: The Promise of an Abundant Life

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – John 10:10

Today, do something playful. Maybe even a little crazy. And smile, radiant smiles spreading all over this world. 

The prompt is challenging me today.  Right now in this time of gift buying, and family visiting and house decorating and work and preparation….right now in the midst of all the “I shoulda oughtas”—to stop and play? Duane, you’re killing me with this offer of life in the midst of the mundane…the everyday…in the midst of a slow, worldy death.

And yet,  Jesus said—I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  Did you hear that? TO THE FULL!

So in this moment, when I am taking myself so seriously, an angel prompts me with a challenge….to play….to smile…to live. It’s so hard to shift gears, so I start with a smile…with a laugh at my daughters silly jokes…with a little game of foot ninja (this game has a much more interesting name that I can’t remember or spell) with my son…with a few moments to drink in the heavenly sound of my children laughing belly laughs that roll until the need to draw breath overtakes them.

This is life to the full….this is the promise of the abundant life.

 

Today’s promise can be downloaded by clicking here.  Thank you all so much for continuing this Advent journey with us.

Unwrapping His Promises: The Promise of Rest

This post is part of the Unwrapping His Promises series we’re doing this Advent season with Duane Scott over at Scribing the Journey.  If you’d like to join us, you can download today’s Promise here. 

The Promise of Rest

Seeking Solitude

I came here seeking solitude,

And found I like the quiet,

But am afraid of the alone.

I came here spent and desiring rest,

And found bounding energy

Yearning for outlet.

Busy energy-

Worldy energy.

“Rest,” You said, “Be still.”

But I find myself restless

And in perpetual motion.

In obedience and with discipline of will,

I sit.

Quiet.

Unmoving.

Eyes closed and thoughts clearing.

And finally,

I sink into Your grace.

-Cari Kaufman

Written on retreat at St Scholastica, 2/25/2011

Unwrapping His Promises: The Promise of Every Need Met

Do I believe this?

If  my actions speak to my beliefs and I look hard at how I act, do my actions say I believe that He will meet my every need?

I’ve worked hard today. I’ve been productive. I’ve called calls and written blogs. I’ve worked up budgets and hobbed and knobbed with potential ministry partners. I’ve knocked things off my to do list that I’ve been “meaning to” get to for weeks.

And yet….

It’s not finished. Not done. The cute little boxes are not all checked off.

There are clean clothes on the bed unfolded and dishes in the sink unwashed and chapters God asked me to write unwritten.

There are hugs unhugged and kisses unkissed, prayers unprayed and love unsaid.

I NEED more time. More energy. More motivation. More hands.

And if I truly believe that God has promised every need will be met, why do I feel so desperately overwhelmed by it all when I look around?

As I work today on the budget for a women’s conference we are hosting next fall, I laughed at the numbers.  I feel like I’m playing with monopoly money as I look at a budget that BEGINS thousands of dollars from reality is daunting.  And the question that rattles around is do I really believe God will provide?

EVERY NEED

That’s the promise.

Today I have to settle for claiming this promise- because today, well, frankly, belief is coming so readily.  God and I have spent a lot of time chatting about this today and He’s made other promises of need fulfilled.

“Lord, help my unbelief.”

Another need. One he’ll meet. Like all the others.

Just A Little Redemption Story: Reflections from Advanced Captivating

Redemption- the act of purchasing back something previously sold; the recovery of an item previously mortgaged or traded.

“When the Bible tells us that Christ came to “redeem mankind” it offers a whole lot more than forgiveness. To simply forgive a broken man is like telling someone running a marathon, ‘It’s okay that you’ve broken your leg. I won’t hold it against you. Now finish the race.’ That would be cruel, to leave him disabled that way. No, there is so much more to our redemption. The core of Christ’s mission is foretold in Isaiah 61:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, – (v 1)

The Messiah will come, he says, to bind up and heal, to release and set free. What? Your heart.” –John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

I’ve heard this over and over.  I believe it wholeheartedly.  Christ came to heal the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to release from darkness the prisoners. I believe He came for me.

To heal MY broken heart,

to proclaim MY freedom and

to release ME from darkness.

BUT

I think I always believed that redemption was something Christ was about in the big things in life.  I think I always believed that He wanted to heal the big scars on my heart, the ones that affected my daily life and everyday relationships. I believed He was about healing, even about my healing, but I guess I underestimated what He thought was important enough to recover….to redeem.

Something beautiful happened at Ransomed Heart’s Advanced Captivating Retreat….God set about redeeming all sorts of memories from my past.  Some of them difficult, some of them challenging, some of them were just tiny little pin pricks in my heart- scars I was never aware of until God set about His healing work.  Most of them linked straight back to the spirit of fear in my life.  God set about smashing fears left and right…

 Fear of Heights:

The Screamer, Frontier Life Ranch, Buena Vista, Colorado

 

Fear of new relationships (yep, I said it…the covenant relationship ‘guru’ is afraid to reach out to new people…interesting, huh…I promise to tell this story soon!):

Allison and Ashley…new and very dear friends.

 And probably most significantly a fear of horses (clearly a work in progress-:)

My new friend, Amigo

This fear, the fear of riding, is something I’ve battled for years. When I was fourteen, I spent the weekend at a friend’s farm.  I had always loved to watch horses (but had never been around them), and my friend offered to go riding with me.

Long story short, I was thrown from the horse, was spectacularly banged up, and it set in play a series of events that wounded me deeply. I have struggled with a fear of horses since.  I never really understood it all until God pushed me to sign up for a 2 hour trail ride during this trip. I obeyed.  I leaned into trust that God was working. I leaned into new friendships and prayer. I leaned into a beautiful bay named Amigo who was awesome.

Honestly, it was hard to start.  I was terrified in the beginning (mostly when we were waiting, and it was up to me to keep my horse from doing things he wasn’t supposed to). Ashley and Allison prayed- over our time, over our horses, over our hearts—and I felt peace start to seep in.

As we rode out onto the trail, through the aspens and over streams…I was transported…God’s presence was so real in those moments.  I could sense God’s healing touch like soothing balm to wounds that I had lived with so long I didn’t remember I had.  Wounds that didn’t seem like a big deal, that didn’t seem like something so important that God would go about healing, wounds I had discounted.

Why did’nt He?

Because Christ is about healing my heart….all of it.

 

This song….oh, man this song, has been such an encouragement to me during the “re-entry” process (you know- the coming home from an awesome, real time experience with God to the busyness and craziness of our daily lives?). This song so reminds me…I am more than these ashes say….I am the rose…I am the Bride…